DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to turn off or ignore your phone, ignore a knock at the door, or ignore an IM on your computer screen when you have left your computer and messenger on at night while you were sleeping?
I say that it is elective to answer (or even make possible) these summons to attention, and they may be ignored at will for any number of reasons, including sleeping, resting, doing homework, doing telecommuting work, and even just taking some private time when you do not wish to be interrupted.
I have a friend whose mother has taught her she must always answer door knocks, phones ringing, IMs on the computer, regardless of what she is doing or why, or she is guilty of rudeness. Please enlighten us.
GENTLE READER: All right: Your friend's mother has a hard time getting in touch with her. Possibly for good reason.
It is true that everyone gets impatient if unable to reach anyone else immediately, now that there are so many ways of attempting this. However, Miss Manners has noticed that when the matter is considered in the abstract – Do you believe that everyone is obligated to be on call to everyone else all the time? – few would agree. And, funny thing, those few tend to be suspicious parents, lovers and bosses.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: The waiter at a high-dollar restaurant asked me, in reference to my salad, if I was “done working on that.”
I grimaced a little and said, “No, I'm enjoying it. I don't work on my food.”
My husband said, “That's a pet peeve of hers.”
The waiter said, “Well, everyone is entitled to their own pet peeves, I suppose, but I work on my food,” thereby managing to both disagree and insult me at the same time.
I didn't point out that she was also, in fact, working for tips, so a less negative response would have been self-serving.
I labor when I clean my kitchen floor and when I rake the lawn, but tend to enjoy the process of “eating” as opposed to “working” on my food. Other phrases in her repertoire that evening included, “no problem,” when being thanked for bringing something she had forgotten to bring earlier, “Can I steal your plates?” when we had finished eating, and “ 'Bye, you guys” as we were leaving.
I am, I know, an aging English major, but I do long for more precision in our language. Am I asking too much?
GENTLE READER: You are asking a hard-working person to work on her language skills while trying to get your dinner on and off the table. Yes, that is asking too much.
Mind you, Miss Manners dislikes these expressions as much as you do, and finds the idea of “working on” food particularly unappetizing. How this expression originated and instantly made its way into restaurant parlance everywhere, she cannot imagine.
All the same, it is you who insulted the waitress, not only by correcting her, but also by taking umbrage at her attempt to defend her dignity.
© United Feature Syndicate
