The following is taken from Caroline Hax's live Internet chat room conversations.
QUESTION: My girlfriend of five years broke up with me after snooping and finding an e-mail she shouldn't have found. Because I was in the wrong, I've never confronted her with the snooping, since I didn't feel I had standing to complain. I've been doing work on me – therapy, 12-step, listening to her (sorry for the psycho-speak, but “respecting her process”); but she doesn't seem to be moving ahead at all, she just wants to go over and over it, and each time I apologize again, explain that I can't change the past, but that I'm doing everything I can do to mitigate the damage and change myself. No excuses, no complaints.
If it were a clean break, I could deal with it; instead she vents her anger and pain (which I accept lovingly), but then calls me the next day and wants to come over. I love her to death and want her back, but the limbo is killing me. What can I do?
ANSWER: You want her back, how? As the same person who snooped and has not owned her own (if secondary) culpability? Or do you want her back after she completes her “process”?
If it's the latter, then I think you need to consider the possibility that, to her, it isn't a process at all, but instead a new victim role that she has assumed for the long haul.
Yes, she snooped, but she must have suspected something. If she asked, and he lied, but she had “evidence,” I might have accidentally peeked at e-mail, too! I admit it! Yes, snooping is wrong. Cheating is worse. Lying about cheating is worse than worse!
What would you suggest to the person who feels she has been cheated on, lied to, and could find out for sure if only she peeked?
Forehead, keyboard. Keyboard, this is my forehead.
If you snoop and your snooping turns up proof of a far worse offense than snooping, then you still have to take responsibility for snooping. The worse offense doesn't wipe out or justify the lesser one (and that's if snooping IS a lesser one – it's accusing, deceiving, lying and trespassing all in one).
If you feel that being right retroactively justifies your snooping because you would then have had no other way to trust the person, then I am going to see how well my forehead types get out of this relationship. Sheesh.
The need to snoop is telling you the trust (and therefore the relationship) is already blown. Proof not necessary.
Sometimes the truth will never come out unless you snoop. Now, endless spying is wrong, when you hope to “eventually” catch them doing wrong.
No, no, no! If in the act of snooping you: realize you've hit bottom; cease snooping immediately; confess; and completely re-examine not only your relationship but also your entire notion of trust, then, OK, snooping was “necessary.”
Otherwise, I'm not buying. The only time the “truth” needs to come out is when you need to know how many credit cards he opened and maxed out, or how much money she has siphoned out of your accounts, or whatever. It is not a means of establishing (un)trustworthiness. That you already know.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or “Tell Me About It,” c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, DC 20071.
