The following is taken from Carolyn Hax's live Internet chat room conversations.
QUESTION: I feel like a jerk. I am going on a date with a great guy who thinks I'm beautiful and wonderful and who is sweet and engaging. Thing is, I'm a lawyer; he's an auto mechanic. And this gives me pause. Not because it's a problem now, but because it may be down the road. And I feel like I am being a judgy snob by being worried. Which is not how I see myself at all.
My gut is telling me to keep going and see how we do together – if it becomes a problem, it becomes a problem. If it doesn't, either I'll reveal myself to be a snob who ends things with an otherwise great guy because I want to be with someone who has a status job, or someone to whom those things don't matter. What does your uninvolved gut tell you?
ANSWER: It tells me you need to answer this question. True or false: There is no such thing as an auto mechanic who is brighter than a lawyer.
If you say True, then cancel the date. Not because you're right, since you obviously wouldn't be, but because you'll never get over your bias and he doesn't need that.
If you say False, then go on the date and find out who you and he really are.
“If it doesn't, either I'll reveal myself to be a snob who ends things with an otherwise great guy”: Um, you just revealed yourself to be a snob now, with the statement, “otherwise” great guy.
Ouch.
I guess I'm at a loss here . . . shouldn't the lawyer be grateful that anyone would be willing to date a lawyer? Think of the grief he is getting down at the garage.
Bigger ouch. But my car is giggling.
Maybe it's not so much that he's not very smart, but it's a mismatch in an inherent quality like ambition?
Good point.
To which I'd counter: Isn't it possible that two people with equally high ambitions are the mismatch? When both people have bigger things to do than tend a family, a home and a relationship, it's hard to believe there'll be a family, a home and a relationship. At least not for long.
People can get really snotty about calling other people snobs. It is not unreasonable for a woman who has spent at least seven years in college to wonder if she will be compatible with an auto mechanic. That is just realistic. It would be snobby if she dismissed him out of hand, without taking the time to get to know him, and how they can be together.
Her reservations aren't very different from those a religious person might have on meeting an agnostic, or a nonprofit worker toward a financier. There are some large and obvious differences in their lives, which may or may not be a source of difficulty. Her saying he is “otherwise” great seems a good sign to me, that her criteria for assessing potential mates are not entirely based on status, education or money.
Your reverse-snobbery snobbery is showing. Thanks. (Rustling sounds as I retrieve college sweat shirt from trash.)
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or “Tell Me About It,” c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, DC 20071.
