QUESTION: I am 28 and married. My father feels I am wasting my time and skills in a job that pays so poorly (high school English teacher). He thinks I ought to go to law school, like my cousins. I've been teaching for four years, and while it hasn't been easy, I'm really passionate about it and feel as though I'm making a difference. My parents frequently go on cruises, and each time I'm bombarded with tales of people they've met who are successful in business, law, etc. Presumably, the intent is to encourage me to pick something else. How do I handle my father's nitpicking in a respectful way?
ANSWER: Presumably, these successful cruisers were so talented they taught themselves in high school?
Never mind. My arguing your worth to you is as far beside the point as your arguing your worth to Daddy. Your profession is your business, not his. While it's certainly nice to bask in parental approval, a functioning adult certainly also knows it's not necessary.
So, stop giving him traction. Ask him, once, to please respect your choice and stop pressuring you. For any further meddling, it's “Appreciate the concern,” change subject (or, for cruise anecdotes, “How nice for these people,” change subject). Daddy loses more than you do, ultimately, from his refusal to see who you are.
I am a first-year law student. After an exam, I spend all my time worrying that I got the worst grade in the class. When I specifically know I made mistakes, I panic. How can I “be OK” with not getting good grades without thinking my life is ruined?
Some of it will take time; specifically, time spent making mistakes which you then come to realize haven't ruined your life.
Some of it will take adjustments to your behavior. Learn to occupy your mind right after exams – good books, favorite shows, friends, exercise. Line up distractions like Pez.
Some of it will take broader recognition that worrying betrays a need for control. Address this by making strict distinctions between things you can and can't change.
Some of it may be clinical. If neither time nor tricks blunt your panic, then it's time for a screening, to rule out an anxiety disorder.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or “Tell Me About It,” c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, DC 20071.
