September 21, 2008

QUESTION: I've been in a long-distance relationship with “Mark” for eight months. The distance hasn't been too much of a problem, as we're usually able to visit each other about once every three weeks. We're finally at the point where we want to move in together, which is exciting. Unfortunately, we've come across one major setback: his housemate, “Kim.” They're good friends, and nine months ago, they decided to go 50/50 on a house together. Kim said she would be uncomfortable sharing a house with a couple.

I thought Kim and I had a great relationship and I don't understand why she would feel uncomfortable, since she's rarely there. I respect her opinion but am floored that she actually said no, since he does own half the house. Now they aren't speaking and I feel like she's basically stunting the growth of our relationship. Mark and I are scrambling to come up with alternatives. Is it really fair for her to say no?

ANSWER: Completely. Her home, her sanctuary, her call – hello, regardless of hours spent there. I suppose you could preface each of those with “half,” but even then, her vetoing you from half the house effectively means you're out.

You and Mark are upset, sure. No one likes it when Mommy says no.

Until, of course, they grow up to appreciate Mommy for keeping their youthful (read: harebrained) schemes in check. Obviously you're adults, and, thanks to geography, you're no doubt accustomed to sharing a home when you're together. However, your details and my math suggest you and Mark have spent about 10 weekends together. That's pretty thin. Even if it turns out that you're 10 weekends into happily ever after, your renting your own place in his town wouldn't hurt anything but your bank balance.

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or “Tell Me About It,” c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, DC 20071.

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